Sunday, 7 August 2011

Odd claim

Rod's barn burned down, so he called his insurance company and told the agent, "We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money."

To which the agent replied, "Wait a minute. Insurance doesn't work like that. We will send out an adjuster, ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Rod replied, "In that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my wife."

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Buckshot

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Friday, 5 August 2011

Reasons why...

16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. It makes everyone more open to their ideas.
13. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks.
14. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting naked on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Amish driving

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Not sure

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage and moral values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

No bloody way

If you were a company called Powergen and you had a subsidiary that operated in Italy, what would you call that company's website?

Probably not 

http://www.powergenitalia.com.

But they did.

Monday, 1 August 2011

How Internet really started

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.