Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Artist's issues...

An artist asked a gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a man enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all of your paintings."

"Wow!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

Sunday, 7 July 2013

That was amazing...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake? 

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.... So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Fatal error

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. 

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. 

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. 

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say, '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" 

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is, '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!" 

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he's lying in bed with her and says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection. 

His wife turns over and says ... "What did you say '123' for?" 

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Blonde genie

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. 

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. 

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. 

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door... He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. 

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. 

One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire... but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Wrong excuse

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. 

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. 

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!" 

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Can't outsmart a woman...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. 

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and get out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." 

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" 

The wife replies "I did: they were in your fishing box."

Sunday, 26 August 2012

The perfect PIJ

How The Jews got the Ten Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "what are Commandments?" 
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." 
"Can you give us an example?" 
"Thou shalt not kill." 
"Not kill? We're not interested." 

So the Lord went to the blacks and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." 
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are." 

So the Lord went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." 
"Not steal? We're not interested." 

The Lord went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." 
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested." 

The Lord went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
"Commandments?" , they said, "How much are they?" 
"They're free." 
"We'll take ten."