Can't argue with that

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

Mates

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

What else?

Our daughters received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly – actually a lot of assembly – was required, my husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway and the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.

As he finished up, I noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials. “You are not going to believe this,” he said. “The one piece missing is the luggage.”

Politeness

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I Believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

How to...

... tell the sex of a fish.

Road rage

A friend was touring Ireland by car. Stopping at a red light, she took the opportunity to gaze at the scenery and she was oblivious to the lights changing to green and back to red again.

The driver behind her got out of his car and unleashed the Irish equivalent of road rage. “Would it be a particular shade of green you’re looking for?” he asked.

The mummy

An archaeologist working in the Israeli desert discovered a casket containing a mummy. He proudly announced, "I have just found a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure."

Tests on the mummy confirmed the archaeologist's findings. "How did you know he had died of a heart failure?" asked a journalist.

"It was simple. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 shekels on Goliath".

Smart dogs

A farmer wonders how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count.

“So what’s the verdict?” the farmer asks when the dog is done.

“Forty.”

“Huh?” the farmer says, looking puzzled. “I only had thirty-eight.”

“I know,” the dog says. “But I rounded them up.”

Shopping geeks

A new, high-tech supermarket has just opened near my house. It uses interactive media to enhance the shopping experience. When you go into the vegetable department, you hear the sound of a distant rainstorm and can smell fresh, buttered sweetcorn. When you approach the milk section, you hear cows mooing and smell fresh hay. And when you approach the eggs, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the aroma of a full breakfast.

I’ve started buying my toilet paper from the local corner shop.

Hello, beauty...

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “do I come here often?”

Bad scorers

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body.

An officer asked the husband, “Is this your wife?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Did you kill her?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” the husband replied, “but put me down for a five.”

Must wear hearing aid...

Clear instructions

“The pharmacist just insulted me,” the woman sobbed to her husband.

Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the shop to defend his wife.

“Listen to my side!” the pharmacist pleaded. “First, my alarm didn’t go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then I got a flat tyre.

When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of coins, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backwards, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked it up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her.”

Night calls

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he said, “but I think my wife has appendicitis.”

Still half-asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before.

“Whoever heard of a second appendix?” I asked.

“You may not have heard of a second appendix,” he replied, “but surely you’ve heard of a second wife.”

Best advice ever

“What should I do?” wailed a panicked client to the receptionist at our vet’s office. “My dog’s just eaten two bags of unpopped popcorn!”

Clearly not alarmed as the worried pet owner, the receptionist responded coolly, “Well, the first thing I would do is keep him out of the sun.”

You told me so

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

The funeral

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

The difference

Too much information is not always a good thing. I was at a drugstore trying to decide between two types of rubbing alcohol. Both appeared to be the same, so I called my husband, a chemical engineer. “What’s the difference between isopropyl rubbing alcohol and ethyl rubbing alcohol?” I asked.
“Easy,” he said. “One carbon atom.”

Guess who

The hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Mortality rates

“The mortality rate for this operation is one percent,” my medical school professor said as he reviewed a procedure. “Put another way, mortality is one percent if it happens to someone else. It if happens to you, it’s 100 percent.”

Wives 1

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."