Not a wrong answer...

We were celebrating the centenary of our church and several former ministers and the bishop attended the ceremony. At one point, our minister gathered the children at the altar for a talk on the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence at first, but finally one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

Bet on it...

I bought a box of animal-shaped biscuits, and it said on it, “Do not eat if seal is broken”.

So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Useful tools

What did Quasimodo give his wife for Christmas?

A wok. He thought it would help her iron his shirts.

Get on board

In the US, buses have a sign saying, “Don’t speak to the driver.”

In England: “You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver.”

In Germany: “It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver.”

And in Italy: “Don’t answer the driver.”

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

Financial woes

Even though we were on a shoestring student budget, my wife insisted we pay off the hospital bill when our son was born. Now we had to figure out how to meet our other financial obligations.

We were discussing this one night when the baby began crying for a nappy change. As my wife picked him up, she sighed, “He’s the only thing in this house that’s paid for, and he leaks.”

Church Social

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.

The last question was, “Where do most women have curly hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is Africa. I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.

Wits

It’s been five years since my last eye exam. I knew it was time for another as my vision was getting fuzzier. The eye doctor’s receptionist gave me a form and one question read, “Reason for visiting the doctor.”

I couldn’t resist. I wrote, “Long time no see.”

Drunk as a skunk

Bob looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.

“I was so drunk”, he said, “I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I had given the $20 to.”

“Well, what’s the problem?” said his friend.

“She gave me $10 change”, Bob replied.

Needed advice

Joshua went to his rabbi for some needed advice.

"Rabbi, tell me, is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"

"No Joshua, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes" answered the rabbi.

"Ok, Rabbi, then how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

Beware of kids

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Got good reason

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

In the mood

Dream job

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more...

"Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:

The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

Explain this...

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Odd claim

Rod's barn burned down, so he called his insurance company and told the agent, "We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money."

To which the agent replied, "Wait a minute. Insurance doesn't work like that. We will send out an adjuster, ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Rod replied, "In that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my wife."

Buckshot

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Reasons why...

16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. It makes everyone more open to their ideas.
13. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks.
14. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting naked on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

Amish driving

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

Not sure

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage and moral values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

No bloody way

If you were a company called Powergen and you had a subsidiary that operated in Italy, what would you call that company's website?

Probably not 
http://www.powergenitalia.com.

But they did.

How Internet really started

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Can't argue with that

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

Mates

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

What else?

Our daughters received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly – actually a lot of assembly – was required, my husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway and the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.

As he finished up, I noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials. “You are not going to believe this,” he said. “The one piece missing is the luggage.”

Politeness

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I Believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

How to...

... tell the sex of a fish.

Road rage

A friend was touring Ireland by car. Stopping at a red light, she took the opportunity to gaze at the scenery and she was oblivious to the lights changing to green and back to red again.

The driver behind her got out of his car and unleashed the Irish equivalent of road rage. “Would it be a particular shade of green you’re looking for?” he asked.

The mummy

An archaeologist working in the Israeli desert discovered a casket containing a mummy. He proudly announced, "I have just found a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure."

Tests on the mummy confirmed the archaeologist's findings. "How did you know he had died of a heart failure?" asked a journalist.

"It was simple. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 shekels on Goliath".

Smart dogs

A farmer wonders how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count.

“So what’s the verdict?” the farmer asks when the dog is done.

“Forty.”

“Huh?” the farmer says, looking puzzled. “I only had thirty-eight.”

“I know,” the dog says. “But I rounded them up.”

Shopping geeks

A new, high-tech supermarket has just opened near my house. It uses interactive media to enhance the shopping experience. When you go into the vegetable department, you hear the sound of a distant rainstorm and can smell fresh, buttered sweetcorn. When you approach the milk section, you hear cows mooing and smell fresh hay. And when you approach the eggs, you hear hens clucking and the air is filled with the aroma of a full breakfast.

I’ve started buying my toilet paper from the local corner shop.

Hello, beauty...

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “do I come here often?”

Bad scorers

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body.

An officer asked the husband, “Is this your wife?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Did you kill her?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” the husband replied, “but put me down for a five.”

Must wear hearing aid...

Clear instructions

“The pharmacist just insulted me,” the woman sobbed to her husband.

Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the shop to defend his wife.

“Listen to my side!” the pharmacist pleaded. “First, my alarm didn’t go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then I got a flat tyre.

When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of coins, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backwards, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked it up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her.”

Night calls

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he said, “but I think my wife has appendicitis.”

Still half-asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before.

“Whoever heard of a second appendix?” I asked.

“You may not have heard of a second appendix,” he replied, “but surely you’ve heard of a second wife.”

Best advice ever

“What should I do?” wailed a panicked client to the receptionist at our vet’s office. “My dog’s just eaten two bags of unpopped popcorn!”

Clearly not alarmed as the worried pet owner, the receptionist responded coolly, “Well, the first thing I would do is keep him out of the sun.”

You told me so

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

The funeral

A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

The difference

Too much information is not always a good thing. I was at a drugstore trying to decide between two types of rubbing alcohol. Both appeared to be the same, so I called my husband, a chemical engineer. “What’s the difference between isopropyl rubbing alcohol and ethyl rubbing alcohol?” I asked.
“Easy,” he said. “One carbon atom.”

Guess who

The hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Mortality rates

“The mortality rate for this operation is one percent,” my medical school professor said as he reviewed a procedure. “Put another way, mortality is one percent if it happens to someone else. It if happens to you, it’s 100 percent.”

Wives 1

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."