Artist's issues...

An artist asked a gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a man enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all of your paintings."

"Wow!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

That was amazing...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake? 

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.... So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. 

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Fatal error

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. 

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. 

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. 

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say, '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" 

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is, '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!" 

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he's lying in bed with her and says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection. 

His wife turns over and says ... "What did you say '123' for?" 

Blonde genie

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. 

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. 

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. 

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door... He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. 

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. 

One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire... but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Wrong excuse

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. 

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. 

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!" 

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Can't outsmart a woman...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. 

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and get out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." 

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" 

The wife replies "I did: they were in your fishing box."

The perfect PIJ

How The Jews got the Ten Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "what are Commandments?" 
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." 
"Can you give us an example?" 
"Thou shalt not kill." 
"Not kill? We're not interested." 

So the Lord went to the blacks and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." 
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are." 

So the Lord went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." 
"Not steal? We're not interested." 

The Lord went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." 
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested." 

The Lord went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
"Commandments?" , they said, "How much are they?" 
"They're free." 
"We'll take ten." 

Points of view

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. 

Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Strange passengers

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a coke, you cow!” 

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another coke dogface!” Quite upset, the girl comes back with another coke but still no coffee. 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!” 

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. 

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “I have to admit, for someone who can’t fly, you’ve sure got guts!”

Clever Crooks

“Why do you paint your getaway car green on one side and yellow on the other?” asked one crook of another. 

“Because I love hearing eye witnesses contradicting each other.” 

Blondes will be blondes

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" 

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Fuelled Up

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking mates who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, “Gees, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. 

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” 

Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?” 

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” 

Dave says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” 

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Have you farted yet?” 

“No.” 

“Well, don’t. I’m in Perth.” 

Helping hands

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. 

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." 

No, ma'am', he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help." 

Wrong club...

Two guys are drinking in a bar. 

One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"My God" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary." 

Accident at the brewery

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim... "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

LIFE

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Not a wrong answer...

We were celebrating the centenary of our church and several former ministers and the bishop attended the ceremony. At one point, our minister gathered the children at the altar for a talk on the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence at first, but finally one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

Bet on it...

I bought a box of animal-shaped biscuits, and it said on it, “Do not eat if seal is broken”.

So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Useful tools

What did Quasimodo give his wife for Christmas?

A wok. He thought it would help her iron his shirts.

Get on board

In the US, buses have a sign saying, “Don’t speak to the driver.”

In England: “You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver.”

In Germany: “It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver.”

And in Italy: “Don’t answer the driver.”