Fuelled Up

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking mates who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, “Gees, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. 

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” 

Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?” 

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” 

Dave says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” 

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Have you farted yet?” 

“No.” 

“Well, don’t. I’m in Perth.” 

Accident at the brewery

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim... "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Drunk as a skunk

Bob looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.

“I was so drunk”, he said, “I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I had given the $20 to.”

“Well, what’s the problem?” said his friend.

“She gave me $10 change”, Bob replied.

Reasons why...

16 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. It makes everyone more open to their ideas.
13. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks.
14. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting naked on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.