Clever Crooks

“Why do you paint your getaway car green on one side and yellow on the other?” asked one crook of another. 

“Because I love hearing eye witnesses contradicting each other.” 

Not a wrong answer...

We were celebrating the centenary of our church and several former ministers and the bishop attended the ceremony. At one point, our minister gathered the children at the altar for a talk on the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence at first, but finally one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

Needed advice

Joshua went to his rabbi for some needed advice.

"Rabbi, tell me, is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"

"No Joshua, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes" answered the rabbi.

"Ok, Rabbi, then how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

Got good reason

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Odd claim

Rod's barn burned down, so he called his insurance company and told the agent, "We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money."

To which the agent replied, "Wait a minute. Insurance doesn't work like that. We will send out an adjuster, ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Rod replied, "In that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my wife."

Can't argue with that

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"