Fatal error

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. 

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. 

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. 

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say, '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" 

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is, '1234' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for a year!" 

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. So he's lying in bed with her and says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection. 

His wife turns over and says ... "What did you say '123' for?" 

Wrong excuse

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. 

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. 

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!" 

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Can't outsmart a woman...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. 

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and get out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." 

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" 

The wife replies "I did: they were in your fishing box."

Useful tools

What did Quasimodo give his wife for Christmas?

A wok. He thought it would help her iron his shirts.

Drunk as a skunk

Bob looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.

“I was so drunk”, he said, “I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn’t know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realised it was my wife that I had given the $20 to.”

“Well, what’s the problem?” said his friend.

“She gave me $10 change”, Bob replied.

Got good reason

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

In the mood

Clear instructions

“The pharmacist just insulted me,” the woman sobbed to her husband.

Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the shop to defend his wife.

“Listen to my side!” the pharmacist pleaded. “First, my alarm didn’t go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then I got a flat tyre.

When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of coins, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backwards, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked it up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her.”

Night calls

Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he said, “but I think my wife has appendicitis.”

Still half-asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife’s inflamed appendix out a couple of years before.

“Whoever heard of a second appendix?” I asked.

“You may not have heard of a second appendix,” he replied, “but surely you’ve heard of a second wife.”

You told me so

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Wives 1

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."