Clever Crooks

“Why do you paint your getaway car green on one side and yellow on the other?” asked one crook of another. 

“Because I love hearing eye witnesses contradicting each other.” 

Blondes will be blondes

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" 

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Fuelled Up

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking mates who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, “Gees, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. 

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” 

Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?” 

Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” 

Dave says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” 

“Yeah, well there’s just one thing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Have you farted yet?” 

“No.” 

“Well, don’t. I’m in Perth.” 

Helping hands

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. 

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade." 

No, ma'am', he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help." 

Wrong club...

Two guys are drinking in a bar. 

One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"My God" says his friend. "I just joined Rotary." 

Accident at the brewery

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim... "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

LIFE

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