Can't argue with that

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

Mates

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk and never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

What else?

Our daughters received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly – actually a lot of assembly – was required, my husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway and the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.

As he finished up, I noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials. “You are not going to believe this,” he said. “The one piece missing is the luggage.”

Politeness

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I Believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

How to...

... tell the sex of a fish.

Road rage

A friend was touring Ireland by car. Stopping at a red light, she took the opportunity to gaze at the scenery and she was oblivious to the lights changing to green and back to red again.

The driver behind her got out of his car and unleashed the Irish equivalent of road rage. “Would it be a particular shade of green you’re looking for?” he asked.

The mummy

An archaeologist working in the Israeli desert discovered a casket containing a mummy. He proudly announced, "I have just found a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure."

Tests on the mummy confirmed the archaeologist's findings. "How did you know he had died of a heart failure?" asked a journalist.

"It was simple. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said '10,000 shekels on Goliath".