Not a wrong answer...

We were celebrating the centenary of our church and several former ministers and the bishop attended the ceremony. At one point, our minister gathered the children at the altar for a talk on the importance of the day.

He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence at first, but finally one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

Bet on it...

I bought a box of animal-shaped biscuits, and it said on it, “Do not eat if seal is broken”.

So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

Useful tools

What did Quasimodo give his wife for Christmas?

A wok. He thought it would help her iron his shirts.

Get on board

In the US, buses have a sign saying, “Don’t speak to the driver.”

In England: “You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver.”

In Germany: “It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver.”

And in Italy: “Don’t answer the driver.”

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

Financial woes

Even though we were on a shoestring student budget, my wife insisted we pay off the hospital bill when our son was born. Now we had to figure out how to meet our other financial obligations.

We were discussing this one night when the baby began crying for a nappy change. As my wife picked him up, she sighed, “He’s the only thing in this house that’s paid for, and he leaks.”

Church Social

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.

The last question was, “Where do most women have curly hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is Africa. I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.