Wrong excuse

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. 

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. 

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!" 

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Can't outsmart a woman...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. 

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and get out my rod and fishing box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. 

Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." 

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? 

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" 

The wife replies "I did: they were in your fishing box."

The perfect PIJ

How The Jews got the Ten Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked, "what are Commandments?" 
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." 
"Can you give us an example?" 
"Thou shalt not kill." 
"Not kill? We're not interested." 

So the Lord went to the blacks and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
And the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother." 
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are." 

So the Lord went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
And the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." 
"Not steal? We're not interested." 

The Lord went to the French and said, "I have Commandments for you."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." 
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested." 

The Lord went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments for you." 
"Commandments?" , they said, "How much are they?" 
"They're free." 
"We'll take ten." 

Points of view

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. 

Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Strange passengers

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a coke, you cow!” 

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another coke dogface!” Quite upset, the girl comes back with another coke but still no coffee. 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!” 

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. 

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “I have to admit, for someone who can’t fly, you’ve sure got guts!”

Clever Crooks

“Why do you paint your getaway car green on one side and yellow on the other?” asked one crook of another. 

“Because I love hearing eye witnesses contradicting each other.” 

Blondes will be blondes

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" 

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."